One of Those Days

I LOVE the body of Christ, especially the local body of believers with whom I worship. We are a family, full of close siblings, jokesters, black sheep, rebels, loners -the works. Just like a biological family, we have learned and are continuing to learn how to love each other, warts and all. It is so great to be a part of a Christian family like that! I know what happened to me today has absolutely nothing to do with my church family and everything to do with the spiritual battles we all must face.

I had the most difficult morning today. For a reason unrecognized by me at first, it seemed as though every conflict I have ever had and every person with whom I have even mildly disagreed over the years was highlighted and thrust in my face. It was a stinky drag. This sense of self-condemnation hit me afresh with each reminder. At first, I refused to acknowledge the thoughts that were filling my head, but I think that made it worse. If I had considered what past difficulties and failures were passing before me, I could have dealt with them head on. Instead they combined and grew into mythic proportions in my mind in the span of one hour. I made it through Sunday School and moved on to morning worship with this cold dread filling my spirit. I prayed, but I felt very unworthy to even be heard by God. In the sanctuary, I faced more of the same.

"Remember when you and so-and-so had to work out a disagreement? They still hold that against you, you know!"

"Remember that whole misunderstanding that you thought was resolved? It's not and that group of people over there still talk about it all the time!"

"Remember that time you didn't come to that event? Those people over there are still offended and will never get over it!"

"No one here likes having you around. See how no one is looking at you? See how no one stopped to say hi? See??"

Everyone else was praising God, hands and voices lifted to heaven, and I was full of garbage like that. The pastor preached about Agape love...unconditional love...but by then I KNEW no one in that building loved me like that!

I had bought into the lie. I had begun to believe I was in a battle with my Christian siblings!

Thank God, He quickly reminded me of Ephesians 6:12, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

I am not one to see every negative thing that happens in my life as satan's handiwork. I am my own worst enemy in that department. Conflicts are usually very much my doing. Difficult circumstances are likely the result of my procrastination or inattention. But what was going on in my mind this morning was different. These thoughts were not my own. Every last issue that was filling my mind had been dealt with and forgiven long ago. There was only one explanation: spiritual attack.

John 10:10 tells us "The thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy..." and he was doing his best to make that happen in my life this morning. However, that verse continues this way: "I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."

Life, in this verse, is transliterated "zoe," and means vitality, absolute fullness of life. It also means a "real" and "genuine" life. The enemy wants the opposite kind of life for me. He wants me to believe a lie and live a limited, fake, paranoid life. I won't have it! Instead, I want the life of abundance God offers to me. "Abundant" in this verse means "exceeding some measure of need" and "over and above. More than is necessary." I found a synonym of this word in a lexicon: "Uncommon."

Self-condemnation is not from God. It is common behavior. I choose to abide in the life God wants for me: a life that is uncommon, a life that is abundant with grace, forgiveness, and mercy. Not only for those around me, but for me, too! I know I have forgiven and God has forgiven me. I may never know if others have bestowed the gift of forgiveness to me, but I have no control over that. I can only love them like Christ calls us to love: Unconditionally. That can be difficult when we are not sure our love will be returned, but that is why it is supposed to be unconditional, right?

The condemning voices have quieted in my mind. Bless the Lord for leaving us the Bible with which to do battle against the enemy. The Lord will be my stronghold against further attacks, which are sure to come. I will love. I will forgive. I will press toward the goal, unified with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

It has been one of those days: one of those days when God reminded me how much He loves me...and my siblings in Christ. Agape.