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Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Life, Death and Elsie
I remember where I was that day 8 years ago; the confusion that turned into panic, flipped to brokenness, then finally landed in rage. I remember the prayers of desperation, not knowing if that was the end or just the beginning. Should we stockpile food and weapons? Should we run for the hills? Should we be glad it was over? I opted for weeping, crying out to God and holding my family close.
Since then this date has affected me like it has so many other Americans. It is sacred. A day of remembrance and respect. A day of thoughts and prayers going out to families who's losses must feel as fresh today as they did on that terrible day. I have tread lightly, not making plans that included anything but the most mundane, feeling as though any sense of celebration would trivialize those who were lost. It was such an invasion, a violation, a loss of what we as Americans took for granted. That sense of pride in our country was bruised by the punch we took in our collective gut.
It is more than a day of remembrance to me now, though. It is a day they tried to take away from us and, so far, I've let them have it. But no more.
What a better way to honor those who's lives were taken away so brutally than to thumb our noses at those who bullied and beat us up that day by showing them they didn't win. I won't live in fear. I won't close the curtains in my mind, centering my focus on what they took away. I will, instead, remember the bravery and strength of those we lost, tipping my hat to those who stepped in to rescue and even gave their lives to alter the terrorist agenda. I refuse to allow short-sighted men to kill my resolve, my pride or my joy. I will, instead, choose life.
Life is proof that darkness can never occupy the same place as light. Life is proof that joy and laughter can soothe even the most broken of hearts. Life is proof that the mundane isn't enough. Life bursts forth and propels us to engage in relationship. Life is proof that we are meant to love, embrace and encourage each other.
Elsie was born today. September 11, 2009. I WILL CELEBRATE!!!
Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and committing yourself firmly to him. Deuteronomy 30:19-20a, NLT
Since then this date has affected me like it has so many other Americans. It is sacred. A day of remembrance and respect. A day of thoughts and prayers going out to families who's losses must feel as fresh today as they did on that terrible day. I have tread lightly, not making plans that included anything but the most mundane, feeling as though any sense of celebration would trivialize those who were lost. It was such an invasion, a violation, a loss of what we as Americans took for granted. That sense of pride in our country was bruised by the punch we took in our collective gut.
It is more than a day of remembrance to me now, though. It is a day they tried to take away from us and, so far, I've let them have it. But no more.
What a better way to honor those who's lives were taken away so brutally than to thumb our noses at those who bullied and beat us up that day by showing them they didn't win. I won't live in fear. I won't close the curtains in my mind, centering my focus on what they took away. I will, instead, remember the bravery and strength of those we lost, tipping my hat to those who stepped in to rescue and even gave their lives to alter the terrorist agenda. I refuse to allow short-sighted men to kill my resolve, my pride or my joy. I will, instead, choose life.
Life is proof that darkness can never occupy the same place as light. Life is proof that joy and laughter can soothe even the most broken of hearts. Life is proof that the mundane isn't enough. Life bursts forth and propels us to engage in relationship. Life is proof that we are meant to love, embrace and encourage each other.
Elsie was born today. September 11, 2009. I WILL CELEBRATE!!!
Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and committing yourself firmly to him. Deuteronomy 30:19-20a, NLT
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Slow Revelation
I can't say I am surprised. I've had a sense of this truth for awhile. I thought I was giving up on Him. In reality, I was just giving in.
God loves me.
I don't know this because I have a warm, tingly sensation in my heart or because I "feel it in my spirit." I don't know this because I just left one of the most blessed praise and worship services of my life and not because I heard someone speak to me about how high, deep and wide is God's love for me. It has nothing to do with how I feel.
I gave up on "feeling" God's love awhile ago. I was often filled with an overwhelming sense of longing and I just knew God was reaching out to me, trying to express His love for me, and I wasn't doing the right things to receive it. I thought if I prayed more, worshipped more, loved others more or whatever I would then understand how to receive His love. How to fully feel His love for me. After awhile, the sense of longing would pass and I knew I had failed, yet again, to do whatever I was supposed to do to feel that elusive sense of "love."
After the valley I walked through last year, one of the things I let go of pursuing was that all-important sense of feeling fully loved by God. I was a little disappointed in myself when I realized letting that desire go actually brought me more peace. Why wouldn't I want to feel loved by God? Pursuing that elusive sense of "God's Love" had been such a central part of my religious experience for most of my life. Prayer meetings, worship times, conferences...I lived for those moments where I felt like I was being lifted straight into Heaven. Of course, when those moments passed, I was left feeling abandoned; like God had stopped by to say Hi, then moved on to visit the rest of His kids. Sibling rivalry took the enjoyment out of fellowshipping with the Lord. I had to share those high times with others, to let them have a turn with our Father. Hard not to feel jealous of other's high moments when my thinking was skewed like that.
So, I let it go. God's Word told me He loved me. Jesus' sacrifice demonstrated His love for me. That had to be enough. And, strangely, it has been more than enough. Tonight I finally understand why.
Love isn't a feeling. It isn't that emotional high we feel when we are fully engaged in any activity, be it singing praises or painting the hallway. Don't get me wrong, those moments are precious and I wouldn't want to miss even one opportunity for that sense of closeness or accomplishment. But that feeling isn't love; at least not the love that I have craved to receive from God my whole life.
If you ask my kids if I love them, they'll say I love them very much, maybe even too much. You could ask them that question when we were having a fabulous time at an amusement park, on Christmas morning, or even when they are grounded from all of life's pleasures and ostracized to their bedroom and the answer would be the same. Their confidence in my love for them has nothing to do with feelings that wax and wane. Their confidence in my love for them stems from a lifetime of relationship, from the knowledge that, no matter what, I'm with them; I'm on their side; I want the best for them. That's love.
Those high moments I have during praise or prayer time are wonderful because those are the times I have let the cares of the world go for long enough to attempt to demonstrate my love for my Savior. Those times bless me because I was made to praise Him, as we all were. But whether or not I have those moments every day or not at all, it doesn't change God's love for me. God's love isn't a feeling; it is steadfast, unchanging, unending, unconditional, mind-blowing, solid commitment.
This is how God showed his love to us: He sent his one and only Son into the world so that we could have life through him. This is what real love is: It is not our love for God; it is God's love for us. He sent his Son to die in our place to take away our sins. 1 John 4:9-10
Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.
God loves me.
I don't know this because I have a warm, tingly sensation in my heart or because I "feel it in my spirit." I don't know this because I just left one of the most blessed praise and worship services of my life and not because I heard someone speak to me about how high, deep and wide is God's love for me. It has nothing to do with how I feel.
I gave up on "feeling" God's love awhile ago. I was often filled with an overwhelming sense of longing and I just knew God was reaching out to me, trying to express His love for me, and I wasn't doing the right things to receive it. I thought if I prayed more, worshipped more, loved others more or whatever I would then understand how to receive His love. How to fully feel His love for me. After awhile, the sense of longing would pass and I knew I had failed, yet again, to do whatever I was supposed to do to feel that elusive sense of "love."
After the valley I walked through last year, one of the things I let go of pursuing was that all-important sense of feeling fully loved by God. I was a little disappointed in myself when I realized letting that desire go actually brought me more peace. Why wouldn't I want to feel loved by God? Pursuing that elusive sense of "God's Love" had been such a central part of my religious experience for most of my life. Prayer meetings, worship times, conferences...I lived for those moments where I felt like I was being lifted straight into Heaven. Of course, when those moments passed, I was left feeling abandoned; like God had stopped by to say Hi, then moved on to visit the rest of His kids. Sibling rivalry took the enjoyment out of fellowshipping with the Lord. I had to share those high times with others, to let them have a turn with our Father. Hard not to feel jealous of other's high moments when my thinking was skewed like that.
So, I let it go. God's Word told me He loved me. Jesus' sacrifice demonstrated His love for me. That had to be enough. And, strangely, it has been more than enough. Tonight I finally understand why.
Love isn't a feeling. It isn't that emotional high we feel when we are fully engaged in any activity, be it singing praises or painting the hallway. Don't get me wrong, those moments are precious and I wouldn't want to miss even one opportunity for that sense of closeness or accomplishment. But that feeling isn't love; at least not the love that I have craved to receive from God my whole life.
If you ask my kids if I love them, they'll say I love them very much, maybe even too much. You could ask them that question when we were having a fabulous time at an amusement park, on Christmas morning, or even when they are grounded from all of life's pleasures and ostracized to their bedroom and the answer would be the same. Their confidence in my love for them has nothing to do with feelings that wax and wane. Their confidence in my love for them stems from a lifetime of relationship, from the knowledge that, no matter what, I'm with them; I'm on their side; I want the best for them. That's love.
Those high moments I have during praise or prayer time are wonderful because those are the times I have let the cares of the world go for long enough to attempt to demonstrate my love for my Savior. Those times bless me because I was made to praise Him, as we all were. But whether or not I have those moments every day or not at all, it doesn't change God's love for me. God's love isn't a feeling; it is steadfast, unchanging, unending, unconditional, mind-blowing, solid commitment.
This is how God showed his love to us: He sent his one and only Son into the world so that we could have life through him. This is what real love is: It is not our love for God; it is God's love for us. He sent his Son to die in our place to take away our sins. 1 John 4:9-10
Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Breaking the Rules
We drove about one hour away from home yesterday afternoon to visit with my children's Grandma, dear Husband's mom, for Mother's Day.
Grandma has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's' Disease. Some days she recognizes her grandchildren and some days she doesn't. Yesterday was a good day. She and the kids spent the bulk of the visit looking at old pictures of her and their dad from days of old. Back when their old man wasn't old at all. They laughed when they saw him smiling as a baby...he rarely smiles unless we trick him into it (which has become a fun pastime during long trips), so catching unguarded moments from him at any age feels like a victory!
Just to be clear, dear Husband is not an angry or mean man, per se, he's just a serious kinda guy. He tells people he was born old. It's just who he is (although I suspect he likes it when we trick those smiles out of him).
Anyway, the day grew late and we all said our goodbyes. With Grandma, each goodbye feels like the most important goodbye for the kids because it might be the last time she says their name. Tonight she said their name, hugged them and asked them to come back and see her next week. It's great when it ends on a nice note like that, but it still leaves the kids a little at loose ends. They're 15 and 18 now and want to be mature about the whole thing, but they miss that sheltered feeling of protection they were lucky enough to experience for most of their lives when they had both sets of grandparents and their parents doting on them all the time.
On the way out of town, we were all a bit quiet. We stopped off at McDonald's to grab a soda for the drive home and decided to walk in and order so we could stretch our legs. We entered the restaurant and it was totally empty of customers. It was so quiet in there, which is rare for any McD's! We ordered our sodas (ok, we ordered a snack, too!) and were waiting for our order to be filled when I noticed my grown-up kids sharing a glance and staring wistfully at the giant playplace sitting totally empty before them. The one at this particular Mickey D's is a huge one that's not very old. They were only able to play in it once before they were too old to participate in the fun.
In a moment of naughty weakness I told them, in my most serious voice, that they had exactly three minutes to get into that climbing maze, go through the whole thing and find their way out. Go! They looked at me like they misunderstood me. I told them they were to remember they were big, so to be careful, but they now only had 2 minutes and 45 seconds. GO! They looked at each other with shocked grins and took off!
For two-and-a-half minutes my kids were like tiny mice hunting for that elusive piece of cheese!
When they found their way out, their entire countenances were uplifted! They are still talking about their fun dash through kiddyland this morning!
We broke the rules. No one got hurt. Two really great young adults were able to experience that perfectly safe bliss that only little ones have...for two minutes and thirty seconds.
I'm so glad we were naughty!
Grandma has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's' Disease. Some days she recognizes her grandchildren and some days she doesn't. Yesterday was a good day. She and the kids spent the bulk of the visit looking at old pictures of her and their dad from days of old. Back when their old man wasn't old at all. They laughed when they saw him smiling as a baby...he rarely smiles unless we trick him into it (which has become a fun pastime during long trips), so catching unguarded moments from him at any age feels like a victory!
Just to be clear, dear Husband is not an angry or mean man, per se, he's just a serious kinda guy. He tells people he was born old. It's just who he is (although I suspect he likes it when we trick those smiles out of him).
Anyway, the day grew late and we all said our goodbyes. With Grandma, each goodbye feels like the most important goodbye for the kids because it might be the last time she says their name. Tonight she said their name, hugged them and asked them to come back and see her next week. It's great when it ends on a nice note like that, but it still leaves the kids a little at loose ends. They're 15 and 18 now and want to be mature about the whole thing, but they miss that sheltered feeling of protection they were lucky enough to experience for most of their lives when they had both sets of grandparents and their parents doting on them all the time.
On the way out of town, we were all a bit quiet. We stopped off at McDonald's to grab a soda for the drive home and decided to walk in and order so we could stretch our legs. We entered the restaurant and it was totally empty of customers. It was so quiet in there, which is rare for any McD's! We ordered our sodas (ok, we ordered a snack, too!) and were waiting for our order to be filled when I noticed my grown-up kids sharing a glance and staring wistfully at the giant playplace sitting totally empty before them. The one at this particular Mickey D's is a huge one that's not very old. They were only able to play in it once before they were too old to participate in the fun.
In a moment of naughty weakness I told them, in my most serious voice, that they had exactly three minutes to get into that climbing maze, go through the whole thing and find their way out. Go! They looked at me like they misunderstood me. I told them they were to remember they were big, so to be careful, but they now only had 2 minutes and 45 seconds. GO! They looked at each other with shocked grins and took off!
For two-and-a-half minutes my kids were like tiny mice hunting for that elusive piece of cheese!
When they found their way out, their entire countenances were uplifted! They are still talking about their fun dash through kiddyland this morning!
We broke the rules. No one got hurt. Two really great young adults were able to experience that perfectly safe bliss that only little ones have...for two minutes and thirty seconds.
I'm so glad we were naughty!
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Balance
I'm learning there's no such thing.
Trying to find balance in our lives is setting ourselves up for failure. It's simply not possible. On any given day, in any given season or even any given year one aspect of our lives must take priority over others.
Although most would agree marital relationships should take precedence over all other earthly relationships, there are times when others need the bulk of our effort and attention. Sick kids, aging parents, business concerns, bills, etc., can all become our first priority for at least a short time. Does it mean we're failing in our marriage? Of course not! It's just life.
I used to beat myself up because I would over-obligate myself to tasks at church, my job, the kid's schools, or whatever else might need my input. I'd look at the other areas in my life that needed attention and make mental notes in permanent ink about who I was letting down or how I wasn't measuring up. If I shared my concerns, I would likely get a hug and be told that I just needed to find some balance. I could never find balance because we were not designed to give attention equally to everything.
Jesus is our primary example. His first priority always was his relationship with his Heavenly Father and, of course, letting the world know who He was. How he conducted his ministry, however, was never balanced. Sometimes he focused on his family; sometimes his friends. Sometimes he ministered to multitudes; sometimes to just one person. Sometimes he fellowshipped with groups of friends and sometimes he spent time alone. Sometimes he even let people down.
We read Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (humming the tune by The Birds), but I wonder if we really apply that passage to our lives.
There's a time to focus on your kids, but they won't die if they aren't the center of the universe for a few weeks, especially if they're older. Love them, hug them, feed them, listen to them, then get busy with building your business.
There's a time to focus on your business, but if you back off and move into maintenance mode when big events are happening at home (graduation, illness, school vacations), your business won't crash and burn.
I call it flexitizing; flexible prioritizing. It sounds weird, but it makes more sense and is much less guilt-inducing than trying to live the myth of balance.
Trying to find balance in our lives is setting ourselves up for failure. It's simply not possible. On any given day, in any given season or even any given year one aspect of our lives must take priority over others.
Although most would agree marital relationships should take precedence over all other earthly relationships, there are times when others need the bulk of our effort and attention. Sick kids, aging parents, business concerns, bills, etc., can all become our first priority for at least a short time. Does it mean we're failing in our marriage? Of course not! It's just life.
I used to beat myself up because I would over-obligate myself to tasks at church, my job, the kid's schools, or whatever else might need my input. I'd look at the other areas in my life that needed attention and make mental notes in permanent ink about who I was letting down or how I wasn't measuring up. If I shared my concerns, I would likely get a hug and be told that I just needed to find some balance. I could never find balance because we were not designed to give attention equally to everything.
Jesus is our primary example. His first priority always was his relationship with his Heavenly Father and, of course, letting the world know who He was. How he conducted his ministry, however, was never balanced. Sometimes he focused on his family; sometimes his friends. Sometimes he ministered to multitudes; sometimes to just one person. Sometimes he fellowshipped with groups of friends and sometimes he spent time alone. Sometimes he even let people down.
We read Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (humming the tune by The Birds), but I wonder if we really apply that passage to our lives.
There's a time to focus on your kids, but they won't die if they aren't the center of the universe for a few weeks, especially if they're older. Love them, hug them, feed them, listen to them, then get busy with building your business.
There's a time to focus on your business, but if you back off and move into maintenance mode when big events are happening at home (graduation, illness, school vacations), your business won't crash and burn.
I call it flexitizing; flexible prioritizing. It sounds weird, but it makes more sense and is much less guilt-inducing than trying to live the myth of balance.
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