For Better, For Worse

My family spent the afternoon visiting with my Mother-in-Law. She is nearly 80 and has become frailer in recent years. Her husband passed away almost two years ago, only a couple of years after he gave his life to Jesus, Praise God! Watching the two of them, then her alone, these past few years has been eye-opening.

Their marriage was definitely one of those love/hate kind of relationships. Some days they couldn’t stand to talk to each other, but they completely, 100%, depended on each other for everything. They went everywhere and did everything together, whether they were speaking to each other or not. The complaints and frustration my MIL expressed over having to deal with him every day was nonstop. My FIL would often resort to pushing back his recliner and closing his eyes while pretending to be asleep. And that is how they lived for many years.

Fast forward to today. They have now been separated by death for nearly two years. My MIL brought her husband up in conversation constantly today and always with the greatest respect, appreciation and admiration. “MY husband would NEVER treat me badly!” And “MY husband ALWAYS made sure we had what we needed.” Even when she mentioned the times she had to care for his physical needs, she’d remember him telling her, “It’s alright, Mama, you don’t need to do that for me.” She’d insist on making sure he was clean, fed and comfortable. Today I saw a woman who loved her husband very much and missed him terribly, whether he drove her crazy sometimes or not.

I was reminded that time softens the hard edges of our memories and commitment brings reverence to relationships. I also was reminded that deep love and deep frustration can happily coexist for decades. But, somehow, it’s the love that’s remembered.

This day has made me more mindful of how I speak of my husband to others and how I treat him on a day-to-day basis. If I have something nice to say about him, I'd rather say it to his face than to others after he's gone. I want to treat my marriage with reverence now, not after we are separated by death one day. Love and frustration can coexist in my marriage, but I'd like the love part to be what others see now, not just later.